Taylor's more than comfortable, wrapped around Ulla in her bed on the new ship, her arms around her waist and her chin hooked over her shoulder. The coma lasted no time for herself, no time to miss her lover, but she knows it wasn't easy for her.
"You know... we could go find somewhere private on the reef when we stop this afternoon."
Ulla wants to give that to her, easy and uncomplicated, but she tenses just
a little, against her will. She knows she's been shying away from
this talk for entirely too long, and it isn't fair to Taylor, who has been
patient and understanding for two years now. Who's never pushed, or asked
questions Ulla doesn't know how to answer.
But it's the one aspect of her body she hasn't figured out; that still
feels foreign, like unfamiliar waters.
"Having you with me, kissing and touching me, is perfect as it is. I don't
need more than we've already been doing."
Her discomfort is obvious, but Ulla doesn't even consider pulling away when
Taylor's grip loosens.
"I've never..." she shakes her head. "I'm the only one of what I am,
Taylor. And this isn't the body I grew up with. I don't regret choosing it,
but it's not as if I can tell you what I want, or how to touch me, because
I don't know."
Which isn't even the only thing she thinks about when the subject comes up.
"That's before even considering what strange life cycles eels have. Most of
which probably doesn't apply to me, but I sometimes think about it
anyway."
Ulla shakes her head. "I haven't wanted to. It was never you I was
saying no to. It's just that that's the only way I still don't feel at home in my
own skin like this."
She shakes her head. "No, I know it wasn't me," she murmurs, reassuring. "I trust the way you love me. I love you, in this body. I'm part of this body." Her fingertips trace down Ulla's side, as far down her curled tail as she can reach.
"Do you think learning more will make it feel more yours, or less?" Because she can understand either. Her own body is exactly like her old one in form and function, save a lot of scars, but nothing has made it feel exactly right.
"You are," Ulla agrees, raw and grateful. Taylor's blood on her knife gave
this form back to her after it was taken. Even before their relationship
bloomed into what it is now. She's glad it was Taylor.
"I'm not sure. I don't think less." Whether or not it changes
things, she at least doesn't think it would make matters worse.
Taylor hugs her close again, pressing a kiss to the side of her neck. "Bodies are difficult. You make me feel like I'm not alone in mine," she says slowly, trying to put what she feels into words. And that's what she wants to offer to Ulla, but she doesn't want that offer to be a pressure.
"Did you know that the sort of eels I resemble only spawn once in
their lives? Some of their other organs shut down as they mature into that
stage of their lives. The parts of their body they use for it don't fully
develop until they're sliding toward a slow death. And it's nearly
impossible to tell eels apart until then, males and females seem so
similar."
She sighs, rolling her eyes a little as she adds wryly, "Of course I'm not
worried about dying, that would be silly, but it's one more question about
what my body has become. Because I'm not sildroher and I'm not an eel, I'm
something else entirely."
"Facts about eels are irrelevant," Ulla agrees, and takes a slow breath,
bracing herself to continue, "But my body, and you and me? That's probably
overdue, love."
"It's not about me. Even though I have a vested interest," she adds, with a crooked smile. "But you're living in this body." She caresses her again, hand moving slowly. "All of this. And all of it is unique, and magnificent, and yours."
Ulla sighs, leaning in to rest her forehead against Taylor's, murmuring
against her lips, "I should have at least talked to you about it sooner,
though. And... I feel safer with you than I would on my own."
"I want more with you than I do on my own, too." Ulla says, nuzzling
Taylor's cheek. "It's not just fear. I didn't know I could want
anyone the way I want you. You were the first person to lead me to that
part of myself, in any shape my body might take."
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"You know... we could go find somewhere private on the reef when we stop this afternoon."
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Ulla smiles, shifting just enough to trail kisses and nips down the side of Taylor's neck, hooking her tail over the other woman's legs.
"I'd like that," she murmurs. "Having you underwater with me is so good. I want as much of it as I can get."
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"And I want... to make you feel very, very good out there."
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Ulla wants to give that to her, easy and uncomplicated, but she tenses just a little, against her will. She knows she's been shying away from this talk for entirely too long, and it isn't fair to Taylor, who has been patient and understanding for two years now. Who's never pushed, or asked questions Ulla doesn't know how to answer.
But it's the one aspect of her body she hasn't figured out; that still feels foreign, like unfamiliar waters.
"Having you with me, kissing and touching me, is perfect as it is. I don't need more than we've already been doing."
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"It's not about need," she says softly, thumb gently stroking against Ulla's scales. "But I'd love to give you more."
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Her discomfort is obvious, but Ulla doesn't even consider pulling away when Taylor's grip loosens.
"I've never..." she shakes her head. "I'm the only one of what I am, Taylor. And this isn't the body I grew up with. I don't regret choosing it, but it's not as if I can tell you what I want, or how to touch me, because I don't know."
Which isn't even the only thing she thinks about when the subject comes up. "That's before even considering what strange life cycles eels have. Most of which probably doesn't apply to me, but I sometimes think about it anyway."
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"Love... does that mean you haven't even tried to- know yourself that way?" she asks, soft concern in her voice.
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Ulla shakes her head. "I haven't wanted to. It was never you I was saying no to. It's just that that's the only way I still don't feel at home in my own skin like this."
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"Do you think learning more will make it feel more yours, or less?" Because she can understand either. Her own body is exactly like her old one in form and function, save a lot of scars, but nothing has made it feel exactly right.
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"You are," Ulla agrees, raw and grateful. Taylor's blood on her knife gave this form back to her after it was taken. Even before their relationship bloomed into what it is now. She's glad it was Taylor.
"I'm not sure. I don't think less." Whether or not it changes things, she at least doesn't think it would make matters worse.
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"I'm glad." Ulla raises Taylor's hand to brush a kiss over her knuckles, and then another on her palm, and her wrist.
"Can I tell you some of the ridiculous things I was dwelling on, even though I doubt they matter?"
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"Did you know that the sort of eels I resemble only spawn once in their lives? Some of their other organs shut down as they mature into that stage of their lives. The parts of their body they use for it don't fully develop until they're sliding toward a slow death. And it's nearly impossible to tell eels apart until then, males and females seem so similar."
She sighs, rolling her eyes a little as she adds wryly, "Of course I'm not worried about dying, that would be silly, but it's one more question about what my body has become. Because I'm not sildroher and I'm not an eel, I'm something else entirely."
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"Do you want me to not focus on this?"
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"Facts about eels are irrelevant," Ulla agrees, and takes a slow breath, bracing herself to continue, "But my body, and you and me? That's probably overdue, love."
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Ulla sighs, leaning in to rest her forehead against Taylor's, murmuring against her lips, "I should have at least talked to you about it sooner, though. And... I feel safer with you than I would on my own."
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"I want to help you make your body a safe place for you," she murmurs there.
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"I want more with you than I do on my own, too." Ulla says, nuzzling Taylor's cheek. "It's not just fear. I didn't know I could want anyone the way I want you. You were the first person to lead me to that part of myself, in any shape my body might take."