"It isn't the deal that makes me angry." Except for the reason he said.
That a bitter part of her loathes the idea of anyone else getting to feel
whole.
No. That he gets something out of this makes sense. Ulla has been getting
by on deals since that night in Sondermane. She's used to everything being
a trade. It's the most comfortable thing about this arrangement, in some
ways.
But she's furious at the idea that anyone could care what she wants. Deeply
distrusts anyone treating her well. Hates the insistent tug of the first
inklings of affection, when she doesn't want to feel anything of the sort.
And she especially loathes how easily he can imagine her ever being
whole again.
Ulla isn't sure how to say any of that. She isn't sure she wants to.
He nods. And then he sighs, just a little. But a wry smile is curled on his lips.
"That's the thing about... full disclosure. Sure, I have to tell you what I'm thinking when it's convenient. When you want to know about it. But... I also can't play it cool. I can't pretend I don't care about you. And that probably pisses you off too. After what you've been through?"
He snorts.
"How the hell dare me? Don't worry- I get it. I do. After you've done nothing but claw yourself up? Then someone- someone reaches out a hand?" He shakes his head. "But I can't do that. Because I? Handed you my file. And that means? You know exactly what I'm willing to do to myself for people like you. On a personal level? And a more widespread one.
"And if I tried to lie... not only would it be a lie? When I said 'full disclosure'. But. I'd be enforcing the idea that there's something wrong with you. That you don't deserve that kind of regard." A sigh. "When you absolutely do. So what can I do?"
A glance at her.
"Which is a guess. But. It's up to you what you do with it. Confirm or deny or... ignore."
"I'm not," he says, and despite the words, he says them gently. As if he wishes it didn't have to be that way? But he accepts it. He lets out a breath.
"How about... I give you a little time to cool off. Think things through. Sort through whatever you need to sort through. You can take that machine, like I said: there's actually music on it, which you're welcome to listen to if you want? And we'll go into how you can do that yourself next time: a nice, neutral activity. We'll meet back up when you feel like it. Sound good?"
"I don't think I'm likely to stop being angry any time in the near future."
she warns him. She has a seemingly bottomless well of rage in the pit of
her stomach, clawing away at her. If she's being honest, she can't imagine
it ever fading. Going away for a little while isn't going to change that.
There's only so much sorting through that she expects to manage.
"I'll go. I'll see you for a guitar lesson soon?" Music still takes
priority.
"No, I don't expect you will. But. I threw a lot at you. You deserve a little time to digest. 'Cool off' in the sense of resting. Not... anything else." He offers her a lopsided smile. "I never really stop being angry either. Once it gets deep enough in you, it stays. In one form or another."
He won't go into the forms.
"I'll see you for guitar lessons. Of course. That doesn't change."
She nods. That's how it feels. Like her anger is here to stay.
Ulla takes another couple pieces of fruit before she rises to leave. "See
you then."
And she's off to her own cabin, resisting the urge to transform back to her
usual form, to be weightless underwater. She takes the the MP3 player with
her, not planning to wait for instructions to figure out how to make it
play music. That will keep her occupied for awhile.
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no subject
"It isn't the deal that makes me angry." Except for the reason he said. That a bitter part of her loathes the idea of anyone else getting to feel whole.
No. That he gets something out of this makes sense. Ulla has been getting by on deals since that night in Sondermane. She's used to everything being a trade. It's the most comfortable thing about this arrangement, in some ways.
But she's furious at the idea that anyone could care what she wants. Deeply distrusts anyone treating her well. Hates the insistent tug of the first inklings of affection, when she doesn't want to feel anything of the sort. And she especially loathes how easily he can imagine her ever being whole again.
Ulla isn't sure how to say any of that. She isn't sure she wants to.
no subject
"That's the thing about... full disclosure. Sure, I have to tell you what I'm thinking when it's convenient. When you want to know about it. But... I also can't play it cool. I can't pretend I don't care about you. And that probably pisses you off too. After what you've been through?"
He snorts.
"How the hell dare me? Don't worry- I get it. I do. After you've done nothing but claw yourself up? Then someone- someone reaches out a hand?" He shakes his head. "But I can't do that. Because I? Handed you my file. And that means? You know exactly what I'm willing to do to myself for people like you. On a personal level? And a more widespread one.
"And if I tried to lie... not only would it be a lie? When I said 'full disclosure'. But. I'd be enforcing the idea that there's something wrong with you. That you don't deserve that kind of regard." A sigh. "When you absolutely do. So what can I do?"
A glance at her.
"Which is a guess. But. It's up to you what you do with it. Confirm or deny or... ignore."
no subject
Her eyes narrow. How dare he, indeed. How dare he say things that she can't bring herself to believe as if they're an inevitable truth.
"You aren't wrong," she admits grudgingly.
no subject
"How about... I give you a little time to cool off. Think things through. Sort through whatever you need to sort through. You can take that machine, like I said: there's actually music on it, which you're welcome to listen to if you want? And we'll go into how you can do that yourself next time: a nice, neutral activity. We'll meet back up when you feel like it. Sound good?"
no subject
"I don't think I'm likely to stop being angry any time in the near future." she warns him. She has a seemingly bottomless well of rage in the pit of her stomach, clawing away at her. If she's being honest, she can't imagine it ever fading. Going away for a little while isn't going to change that. There's only so much sorting through that she expects to manage.
"I'll go. I'll see you for a guitar lesson soon?" Music still takes priority.
no subject
"No, I don't expect you will. But. I threw a lot at you. You deserve a little time to digest. 'Cool off' in the sense of resting. Not... anything else." He offers her a lopsided smile. "I never really stop being angry either. Once it gets deep enough in you, it stays. In one form or another."
He won't go into the forms.
"I'll see you for guitar lessons. Of course. That doesn't change."
no subject
She nods. That's how it feels. Like her anger is here to stay.
Ulla takes another couple pieces of fruit before she rises to leave. "See you then."
And she's off to her own cabin, resisting the urge to transform back to her usual form, to be weightless underwater. She takes the the MP3 player with her, not planning to wait for instructions to figure out how to make it play music. That will keep her occupied for awhile.